Each Vexed Kiss
by AYangThang
Summary: Maybe, if I had been more sober, I would have thought more carefully about the ramifications of my desires.
1. Chapter 1

**AYangThang:** A simple short story.

 **Each Vexed Kiss  
Chapter 1**

The finest Atlesian wine tasted bitter to me that night. I never did like wine the same way that my mother did. Still, I always ordered at least one glass before I switched to cocktails. Thinking on it, that was my first mistake of many.

After examining a menu and ordering my meal, I began my usual night of binge drinking with a grasshopper. It seemed fitting that it should be named after a bug. I only drank them when I mulled over all of the things I hated in my life. When I felt crushed by the weight of it all. The minty taste was refreshing, soothing away any and all better judgment. That was what I liked about them.

My second was a Cosmopolitan, a favored beverage. Perfection in a glass. Elegant and refined. My sister's chosen drink whenever we go out. My thoughts drifted to her. We saw each other so rarely anymore. We were busy people, or at least, that was our excuse. She was my idol, and just thinking of all of her accomplishments made a weight lift from my chest. If she could rise to such greatness, I could too.

Three drinks in, and lucidity began to abandon me. The bar's special concoction had been served to me in a highball glass. I drank it blindly, and didn't even care. My meal was tasteless, bland as expected, but I ate it without complaint. It was average, and truly, that's what I wanted. I was tired of my blueblood and family's splendor. I just wanted to be an average woman, for one single night.

For my forth, I came face to face with my father's impossible standards. A whiskey sour sinking deep into what ailed my mind. There was a bitter sense of anger in action of just drinking it. I gulped it down the same way that I swallowed his ridicule. Unflinchingly, as expected of his daughter.

The fifth one was brightly colored. A mix of hues, fruit juice and liquor melding sweetly on my tongue. When I looked up, lilac eyes met mine. A kind stranger offering me a gentle smile before turning to talk to some of her friends.

I was too far gone. My higher judgment had fled me long ago, leaving me with a list of poor decisions, and tantalizing ways to make them. She was on the cusp lucidity herself, downing something in a small shot glass before winking to me.

Maybe, if I had been more sober, I would have thought more carefully about the ramifications of my desires. It was of little comfort that she didn't seem to care either. There was a mutual attraction between us, lingering in the divide. My blood boiled in a way I'd never known. I ogled her, like a dog drooled over a cut of beef. She merely grinned. She didn't care. She just smiled and waved coyly in my direction.

The buxom blonde tugging at my lonely heartstrings.

The attraction was obvious. Our thoughts strangely mutual. The beatific woman made an obscene gesture in my direction, proving that she was more than willing to spend an evening exploring carnal desire.

I blushed, and looked away.

My hesitation was no match for her bold personality. The taller woman approaching like a goddess, hips swaying to music that I'd been ignoring. She rode the tide of each drumbeat, and I couldn't rip my eyes away. I tried. My gaze betrayed me. It merely returned back to her as she edged closer, looming over me, reeking of a few too many beers and the woody scent of whiskey.

Reaching out, her fingers touched my chin, empathy flooding her eyes. A pained honesty drifting across her soft features. Her eyes striking me with that brutal honesty.

She knew I was drinking for the sake of it. To be blasted beyond repair, just for the mercy of one forgetful night. Strangely enough, it seemed as though she was doing the same. I didn't ask why, and she didn't say.

She took the lead, I was grateful for that.

Leaning in, her breath ghosted over mine. She was so close, and still I couldn't bridge the tiny chasm between us. We'd both pickled our insides with the succulent poison that left us blissfully numb to logic and reason. I knew it was a mistake. I shouldn't have even considered it. Though, I wanted her lips pressed against my own, I should not have indulged. I had been thinking about taking her to bed, and I shouldn't have done that, either.

Before I had time to decide, she had captured my lips so softly.

Sweetly.

Impossibly.

It was only a moment before she pulled away to look into my eyes. A question so small, I barely noticed. I nodded, tossing away any and all cursing at the back of my mind. It didn't matter anymore. I'd found a new addiction, and I fully planned to imbibe. I leaned up on to tip-toes, the only way I could possibly reach her. Even then, it wasn't enough. Mercifully, she leaned down that extra inch, lips meeting once more.

This time, deeply.

We swayed to the heavy beat of the club music wafting up from the speakers around us. Her fingers tangled into my tresses, my perfect bun coming undone at her instance. White and gold, tangling together, concealing us within the confines of our passion.

Thinking better of all of this, and the woman in my arms, I finally pulled back.

I looked down, and I shook my head.

It was, to me at least, a lonely, half-hearted denial.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

It was not the last time I saw Yang. We crossed paths many times more.

Looking back on all of the little platitudes, I realized there was more to her than I'd first imagined. Although, my next encounter with her was not of the tender sort. Roughly, and without preamble, her eyes caught mine. She approached, yanking me into an embrace. The brazen familiarity in which she greeted me left me agitated.

I tried to push away, but her hands slid around me, her powerful arms held me in place. It was then I noticed her strength. It was obvious to me. Her arms flexed that little extra bit, as if to make sure I knew. I noticed each and every curve, including her toned abs pressing softly against my flat belly. I swallowed hard as she held me there, trapped in her embrace.

She was warm, almost hot, and that roguish grin did me in.

Weak in the knees, I wanted to feel her touch. I slipped my hands up into her hair, but a hand caught mine.

"Don't play with fire." She murmured hotly against my lips, taking my hands into hers. That was the first thing she had ever said to me. "Come on, let's get out of here." She invited in a playful tone that promised more than my lonely soul could have ever hoped for.

In spite of my better judgement, fate had been too cruel. Toying with my resolve, cackling in the face of every shred of common decency I had at my disposal. For one fleeting night, I wanted to be hers.

I followed that vixen with the lilac gaze. Her beckoning smile sending a thrill down my spine. If this hit the media, it would be terrible for my family, and my future in the company. Thousands of reasons why I shouldn't follow her died ingloriously. Just by looking at her smile, I knew I couldn't deny her. All of the promises looming between us guaranteed me a night I wouldn't soon forget.

The blessing of her touch was probably bad for my health, if my rapidly beating heart was anything to go by. Still, at her insistence, I followed that blonde angel that had carried away every ounce of fleeting resolve. She pulled me to her side, her large palm slipping to the small of my back as she escorted me outside.

There, under the night sky, precious cool air filled my lungs. I looked at my campion with a clearer gaze. Her glossy lips were like silk, and I wanted so much to kiss them again. When she leaned in, I pulled back.

"You sure you wanna do this?" She asked, confidently nodding towards her motorcycle. "We could go back to my place, have a little fun."

I laughed at her foolishness. "Appealing as that is, I'm too drunk to drive." My car would be sitting in the cold parking lot all night. I knew I'd have to call a cab, and this girl, she would probably need to do it too. "So are you."

"Mmm." The blonde hummed before she nodded. "I can call us a ride."

"Do you really want to do this?" I asked. "Trade your dignity for an evening?"

"I've traded worse."

Despite the implication. I was hardly dissuaded. I wanted her so badly I could taste it. If fate would call this a night of ill begotten regrets, I wanted them to be with her. I shut down what little reasoning I had. I leaned forward, catching the taste of her lips, and the several beers she'd drank. The bitterness pulled a low moan from my throat as she took control.

My fingers slid up and under her shirt, and she shivered as my thumb caressed her skin. She flexed, muscles growing taunt under my palm. She could have broken me. I'm still not sure, but, maybe, that's what I wanted. My fingers curved, forming a gentle fist, the cloth of her shirt slipping between my knuckles as the kiss ended. Just like that, the fabric slipped from my fingers, and so did she.

She wanted an answer, and I simply know what to do.

"You do realize who I am, don't you?" I had to ask.

"Does that really matter?"

Maybe it didn't, but I couldn't know for sure. There was no way to predict the outcome of anything. I was cold and alone, this stranger offering me warmth. That much, I certainly couldn't deny. If I regretted this, so be it, I decided. I'd follow her to the depths of hell and back, if it meant I could shut off the murmurs in my mind.

"Hey, come on." She said to me in a tone I didn't have the chance to understand. "Let's go walk."

"And where, exactly, would we walk to?"

"I don't know, around the block, I guess?"

So, stripped of any expectation, we did strictly that. Walking hand in hand under the moonlit sky.

Yang Xiao Long really is that easy to please.

I didn't know it then of course, but, now I do.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

The nature of our relationship was ambiguous at first. To be honest, she was a total and complete stranger to me. For a long time I didn't even know her name. We talked about everything, and nothing. The facts were always general, obtuse just for the sake of it. We weren't intentionally lying, but, our topics of conversation never became personal. I was thankful for that, because I had absolutely no way of closing the unmitigated social gap between us.

I struggled with how to deal with my feelings for her.

They seemed to grow without much effort at all. Her levity was a light in my life. It came as a pleasant surprise, and it was one that I'd never known that I needed. Upon that discovery, I spent more than a little time plotting against possible dangers. Like a woman gone mad, I spent more time than I cared to admit reading the tabloids. I spent even longer listening to the radio and news coverage.

My fears, luckily, were unfounded at the time. Still, I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I wouldn't risk even the slightest public outcry.

Being graced with her easygoing sense of humor seemed crazy to me. I'd never met a commoner that enthralled me. She could be incredibly serious. Her words grew deep on occasion, but, those things came with their own gentle moments of insecurity. In a way, I thought I was dreaming. I felt sure that there was no possible way Yang could be invested in me.

I was becoming smitten with her, and the worst part was, I couldn't even explain why.

I was sure she had a better life than I could provide. A larger, and much more fulfilling one. As much as it pained my ego, I was alright with the idea that Yang didn't need me. In truth, I felt safe because of that fact. If something were to go wrong, my heart would be the one to endure the pain. Honestly, it was a comfort to me. It gave peace to my selfish doubts. It quieted my fears.

She even seemed to respect that distance I'd placed between us.

Yang never pressed on questions I couldn't answer. She never told me anything that would force me to become invested. It was pleasingly simple, no strings attached at all, not even in little ways. Dark implications always died out before accusations had a chance to start. Yang was happy to overlook them. I'd never known a person like that in my entire life, and so, I wasn't very eager to destroy what we had.

I couldn't even define it.

I didn't want to try. After a few meetings, it became clear that she didn't either.

I began to wonder what life was truly like for her. What significance our occasional meetings meant for her. How my shallow offerings of affection made her feel. I wondered, was it difficult to talk to a person so completely out of her league? Was it my status that kept her at arm's length? Was it my cool, aloof sense of pride? I had so many questions, and so few methods of finding out the truth.

I wondered about Yang endlessly.

Yet, like so many things regarding the two of us, the topic was never brought up.

On out next meeting, she invited me out to another walk.

We shared a kiss after exiting the bar. It was maddening to me how she could just turn on a dime. Cool and casual one moment, and incredibly impassioned the next. We pressed up against the brick wall, the shadows giving shelter from the wintry wind and prying eyes. I let out a soft moan as she gave me exactly what I wanted in that moment in time. All of her entire being became crystal clear to me.

She could have remained nameless to me for the rest of my life, and yet, I'd thought I knew her perfectly. Her taste was pure intoxication in and of itself. Her touch fierce, yet incredibly gentle. Those dirty little promises that she murmured into my ear only making me sigh as a rolled my eyes. She was tactlessly honest, too.

She was looking for my approval, of course. The way she hesitated to do more than kiss me proved that. Her voice held that knifes edge of uncertainty. She wanted this. To risk it all for something more. I found myself laughing into the nape of her neck. The tender notion was foolish, but that's what made it so exciting.

The affirmation that I wanted more from her slipped from my lips before I could stop it.

She let go of a breath that I don't think she realize she held for so long. The heave of air from her large bosom leaving nothing to the imagination. Then she barked out a harsh laugh, undignified to my ears.

Back then, it most certainly wasn't love that I felt, but I knew I was hers. To me, it was the god's honest truth.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

There were things I tried to ignore. Others that I swept under the rug.

We would never be fated to have a happy ending. Not like the one we both dreamed of. Reality was too unkind for that. I knew it the first night, and that truth never left me. I think, in some ways, Yang was sure of it too. Still, we tried to make it work. The aspects of our physical relationship blurred in the face of all that could go wrong. Emotionally, it was just too large a gamble. We made the conscious choice not to make ourselves public, and we held ourselves back more than we should have.

Yang likes to tease me for this, but I had a habit of embarrassing myself in front of her.

For example, once, on a cold night out, she tossed her coat over my shoulders. It was then that I told her she was like fire. It was a throw away comment. I'd made it sarcastically in passing. That was how we often exchanged words. Both of us offering absentminded observations, little more. The night air was so cold, but no matter what, she was always so warm.

She brushed me off. She told me that she never got cold. I was inclined to believe her. The subzero temperatures never seemed to bother her. Although I'd said it bitingly, I'd felt that way for a while.

She was like fire.

The fireplace sort, warm and cozy. A place of refuge against the otherwise insipid world around me. She had a glow about her, smile flickering a wide range of emotions all at the drop of a hat. From roughish seduction, filthy humor, even just simple glee. The blonde woman lived her life openly. A genuine honesty at the forefront of everything she did.

I envied her unabashed nature.

Among our many differences, she was from Vale. It showed in our features. Her skin had been kissed by the sun itself, and her blonde hair reminded me of a breezy summer day. I had no figure of which to speak of, and she stood at my side, a paragon of beauty I could never hope to achieve. She was effortlessly perfect in so many ways. Like a goddess out of a fantasy. She consumed me. My work suffering whenever my mind drifted to thoughts of her.

I'd concluded that I wouldn't be able to live without her in my life. She seemed to provide me with every ounce of joy she could afford to give. I wanted to offer something in return, but there was so little she actually wanted. There was even less she needed from me. In fact, she used to say that I wasn't spontaneous enough.

I decided I would be, for her sake.

The first night we made love was after one of our long walks. The parking lot that we frequented was covered in a layer of snow. It was the usual time to part ways, but when I unlocked my car, I made sure to open the rear door. Without thinking too deeply, I grabbed her by the scarf, and tugged. Pulling her down into a searing hot kiss before I slipped inside the luxurious back seat, flicking my finger, offering the most attractive come-hither gaze I could muster.

In truth, I probably looked ridiculous, but Yang just grinned and joined me.

She was much more confident than I was. As with anything, it started with a kiss that left me wondering where my sanity had gone. Inwardly I berated myself for my loss of good sense. Her hands were warm though, inviting me to hush the murmurs in the back of my mind. She wasted no time in tugging at my clothes, searching for the complicated buttons and zippers that kept my modesty locked away. The way she touched me set my skin alight, hot goosebumps making me shiver.

Her fingers gliding like fluid, almost like lava.

Her lips danced across my skin, down the nape of my neck. Her hands resting upon my bust. The modest swells were nothing compared to hers. My lithe figure was hardly the temptation I wanted it to be. I closed my eyes against the sensation as she peppered my neck in soft kisses. Her actions lacking the scrutiny I'd expected. Like all things about her, there was an intensity calling out to me.

Yang beseeching me to understand her siren's call.

I wanted to answer her, but, I admit, the thought frightened me all the same. The worst part was, Yang noticed.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

To be frankly honest, I knew nothing of lovemaking. I was too jaded to explore the idea of self-pleasure.

I knew only the attention of call girls. Women that would pleasure me at my demand, expecting nothing of me in return. To me, mindless sex was a service provided for a nominal fee. Nothing more. The women were nameless, and the only thing I cared about was that they be attractive, and carry a clean bill of health. Emotion had never even been a consideration. That I returned the favor slipped my mind.

I thought a wad of bills to be enough to express my gratitude.

Yet, when Yang was involved, there was no contractual obligation. No amount of money had been placed between her actions and my expectations. This was of her own volition, with no penalty for failure. I was out of my element. I had no idea how to reciprocate, or even communicate my desires. Barking orders at her like I would the women who serviced me seemed wrong. I couldn't do that.

Therefore I found speaking at all to be a default thing.

Opening my eyes, I saw only happiness on her features. Her gaze lacking the sort of lust found in dime store novels and trashy pornography that littered the dark corners of my apartment. She had noticed my hesitancy, seen through me like a mirror in a way I could not comprehend. Her hands caressed my thighs as she sat back and pulled me into her lap.

In a playful gesture, she reached out, giving my behind a firm squeeze before settling back in the seat and taking a breath.

"Look, I want you, but maybe not like this." She said to me after a few moments of careful contemplation. "This isn't the real you. It doesn't have to go down this way." Then she smirked in a way that made me roll my eyes. "Or, at least I don't need to do down…not if you don't want me to."

I let loose a bone deep sigh. Shaking my head at the foolishness of it all. Of course she'd make the last part absolutely filthy.

Still with the image now in my mind, it was hard to refute. "You don't want to have a little fun?" I tried to sound confidant in my own desires, but she saw right through it.

"Yeah, but if I'm going to, I want to do it right."

I had no idea what to take from that response, but thankfully, she didn't let me dwell on it for too long.

"Come on." She said again, this time her voice was low and husky as she spoke. Her hands squeezing my butt again. I concluded that perhaps that was her favorite part of my body, though she hadn't even seen it yet. "Tonight we go to my place, and I'll treat you right."

I don't know why I agreed, but, I did.

I wasn't thinking. I didn't want to think. I knew if I did, I'd come up with every reason why it would be a bad idea.

Yang's offer was too good to ignore. She gave me the directions, and I drove, needing the distraction to slow my mind.

We no sooner made it to her home that my heart sped up again. Once we reached her bedroom, she took the lead in a very real way. Her hands toyed hotly across my flesh, calloused fingertips taking their time in undressing me. Each second that ticked by seemed loud to my ears, but the clock on the wall was just as blind to the world as Yang was of it.

Time could have stood still in that moment, and she wouldn't have cared.

As for me, I could no longer quantify time or space. I doubted I could even articulate the things I wanted her to know. I was too distracted. Her kiss burned into me, same as it always did. Conflict, passion, it didn't matter what I felt. All of it mingled.

I'd grown accustomed to the reflexive curling of my toes when she kissed my jaw in just the right way. Fleeting nips gentle enough not to sting in the aftermath. It was exhilarating just how used to it I'd become. What I supposed might turn stale, instead filled me with renewed joy every time. She knew those tender spots, she chose to remember them. I felt special to her, as though I held some sort of significance.

For once, that idea didn't terrify me, as it otherwise might have.

I wanted to know this woman, and the red string of fate that had woven a web around each interaction. My connection with her seemed godlike, profound beyond even scripture, and I wanted to know this deity's name.

I had to know, and so I asked.

"It's Yang." She told me between another wayward kiss as my bra dangled like an obscene trophy from the ceiling fan. "Yours?"

"Weiss." I breathed. "But you already know that."

Yang never did validate my response. Instead she changed the topic.

"Light on, or off?" She queried.

"On." I murmured as she toyed with the button to my slacks. I wanted her to see me, all of me. For everything that I would ever be, knowing I could never be a match for her. Swallowing down my fear as she yanked away the fabric, I held back every inhibition I knowingly had. In her full view, I was left open and at her mercy. I'd never been more exposed to another person whose opinion I valued.

I wanted her to think me beautiful, but, I doubted that she would. I'd never hold a candle to her, not in any way.

"You're hot." She hissed against my ear. "Really hot."

The praise was everything I needed in order to reciprocate. Peeling away layer after layer of annoying fabric, and seeing her for the first time as well. Her raw, untamed gaze made me feel like I was drowning. I took a gulp of air.

"You can trust me." She said, guiding me over to the bed.

She said it so caringly that I knew she would, too...


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

Mornings like these, the ones after we make love, it all comes rushing back to me.

How we started.

Why we even got this far.

Sometimes I wonder how much further we'll go. If one day, we'll achieve all of our unspoken little dreams. The kind that we squirrel away, not even mentioning them, since doing that would put some level of expectation between us.

I'm scared of it. Moreover, I'm terrified of what it might mean if we _don't_ have those little talks one day.

Our entire relationship is a vexing thing, one that we both know shouldn't have happened. Why we've managed to make it work for so long, I'll never know. We're both solitary people. We're selfish in the way we distance ourselves from the world. I still don't know why Yang is the way that she is. She still doesn't understand my motives either. We haven't talked about them. We've never needed to…or rather, we avoid what we need to do.

That's probably a better way to phrase it. We avoid going further, because what we have now is so easy…

Easy, but not completely fulfilling…

The weight of our emotional distance would probably ruin any other relationship. It would probably squash down any other soul that tried. It's a heavy thing. Almost burdensome. Since we haven't really talked about our future, it's hard to know if we'll have one at all. There are times I've tried, and other's where she's made the attempt. For whatever reason we're the same in our silence.

To be honest, I don't know what makes us different. I don't understand why we live our lives this way. I don't think there's a method to the madness anymore.

Still, I recall our first night tangled in the sheets perfectly. At the time, I refused to cheapen the experience of what I felt for her. I didn't murmur the simple words floating in my mind hazily as we melted into each other's arms. I thought them, certainly. Even when I tasted her desire upon my tongue, proof of all the carnal desires that had culminated around us to reach that point, I still didn't say a word.

Truthfully, those three special little words wouldn't come until years later.

I'd accidentally spoken them offhandedly one late morning during brunch. There wasn't magic in any of it, no jaw dropping moment. She just nodded and said the same in that ham-fisted, easygoing way of hers. After, we left it at that. Our love life isn't a fairy tale. It's messy and closeted, concealed away so that nobody knows. It's easier that way.

At least, it is for me.

Yang wants to be able to tell her family and friends, but she knows that given my status, she'll never be able to.

There's only so much I can give her. My affections might even seem muted compared to hers. I wish there was more to it than what it was. I wish I could shower her with the same sort of overtures that she provides for me. I'm just not that sort of person. I never had been. Still, what little we have is paramount, and I know Yang clings just as desperately to it as I do.

Perhaps in another life, we could be more than lovers hiding in the shadows. Perhaps in another world, there would be something more for us. Something deeper than our occasional meetings, as short as they are. Perhaps if we were different people, we might even settle down, get married and raise a family.

Our lives aren't that perfect, or that simple.

We can't risk anything more than what we are. It's annoying, honestly. Just as annoying as the first time I met her. Still, I'm stubborn enough not to change things. Yang's the same way. I believe, in some small respect, it's that same bullheadedness that's kept us together for so long. The distance between us as lovers doesn't seem so far when I realize we cling to independency in the same way.

She hasn't made an effort to strength our bond, either. We don't like change, neither one of us.

It's times like this, when I stop and think back on it all. When I leave her bed, put on some clothes, and go someplace _other_ than where I want to be.

"Leaving so soon?"

I know, I'm her worst mistake.

"I'm needed at the office. I'd cancel if I could, but I did that already last week."

Knowing that, hell, it's just as painful as our first, booze soaked kiss.

"Well, damn, that sucks…"

We don't address the issue.

"I agree, but, it's unavoidable."

We say we're fine with the way things are.

"You coming back after work?"

We go through the motions.

"I don't know. Meetings might run late."

We live the best way we know how.

"Again? Can't the asshole sit in on them?"

We haven't tried to find a better way.

"My father will be there, but, I must also attend as well."

We say that we don't need to.

"Dammit…well, then just text me when you can."

Honestly?

"Of course."

I look down and shake my head as I finish getting dressed, the same way I always do.

"If you can get free early enough, I'll make dinner."

The way that she says that hurts. She still has that way about her. Able to tug at my heart in a way that no one else can. I have to force a smile, for her sake.

"I'll do the best that I can."

She forced a smile too, but she knows my tone of voice too well by now.

"I'll look forward to it then. And if not tonight, there's always tomorrow."

Her bright sunny attitude is all I have in my life. I'll try to make her happy. By the gods, I'll try…but trying isn't always good enough. I probably won't be around for dinner. I probably won't be able to stop by at all tonight, and she'll have to spend it alone.

No matter what we say about any of this, it's still lonely.

It's still halfhearted.

It's still denial.

And between each vexed kiss, I know the truth.

I'm the one to blame...

* * *

 **AYangThang:** Well, that's where we'll leave the freezerburn pair for now. Hope you enjoyed this short fiction for what it was, and forgive its flaws for what it isn't.

Until next time.


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